Drama of the Week: Yet Another Fake Player's Union

Every couple of months there's talk of western pro athletes getting together for some union effort, so it's pretty ripe for parody. The week this article ran in issue 31 there were many, many, images with quotes of players and commentators. They started out okay, then got silly, then dumb, then just terrible. And then this article happened.

Drama of the Week: StarCraft Union Officially Forms: Players and Units Assert Their RightsBy: Mike Harrell

After a dramatic week of tournament results, GSL announcements, and countless “motivational” posts, the biggest news of all has risen to the top: A new StarCraft union has officially been announced! Defenders Against Nerds Keeping Marketing Efforts as Minor Esports Sensationalism  has been formed with the the following founding members: Scarlett, the Battlecruiser, IdrA, a Hydralisk, Artosis, Innovation, Boxer, Psione, White Ra, MarineKingPrime, the Hybrid, HuK, and the entire Protoss race. 

Taking Ownership

“The internet has long been rife with misquotations and misattributions on shareable images. Today, StarCraft says ‘No!’” said the Hybrid, the elected spokesperson for D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S. “It’s all fun and games until someone uses your words to justify the legalisation of Terrazine. Or, as what happened to me, being attributed the quote ‘l2p stupid 6pooler.’ I have never said such a thing. The buck stops here. Our words are valuable and we will not see them spewed across the internet just for your entertainment.”

The Hybrid continued, “We will be issuing a Take Down Notice in the morning to every website we find that hosts an image with a quote that alleges to be from any of our members without proper licensing through our media department. We will also be initiating litigation with r/Starcraft for the defamation and invasion of privacy of our members. Our words have value, and for the protection and peace of mind of our members, you can find all quotes related to them, motivational and otherwise, at dankmemes.gg.    

A Culture of Misrepresentation 

It is true that the internet is a place where the bold pray upon the gullible. The supposed likeness and words of everyone from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain to Kermit the Frog has been used to forward the message of every group with an agenda for years. It stands to reason that a StarCraft players’ union would want to nip that kind of behavior in the bud before real damage is can be done.

Players and Units Speak Out 

“Before being contacted by D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S., I was in a downward spiral,” lamented one Protoss archon, who wished to be identified only as The Archon. “I happened upon this message board and people had put my face and my words into an image for their own benefit. It was an image from over 15 years ago. I was a minor back then! How is that okay? I felt so manipulated and betrayed, it was like I was at the Fall of Tarsonis all over again! But now that we have real representation, we’re able to take our words and likeness back!” 

“This just the next step in StarCraft,” said the captain of the battlecruiser, “I try to keep things positive overall, and I appreciate that players agree with my ‘take it slow’ mantra. But my mantra is personal. I spent weeks crafting it with my therapist and I never wanted to share it. Blizzard never told us there would be cameras and microphones when we agreed to be part of the game. Now I see ‘take it slow’ posted online with my photo and it’s psychologically crippling. I no longer have any confidence. There was almost a mutiny last week because we were shot at by a Sentry and I announced, ‘Abandon ship!’ to the crew. D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S. is a godsend.” 

“I don’t see how I have anything to do with this.” said IdrA, who seems to get dragged into every StarCraft discussion, despite not being involved or interested in the game for years now. 

Just The Beginning 

Expect to see D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S.’ presence online more and more over the next few months as they champion player and units’ rights. When asked when they would be address concerns such as player health care benefits and tournaments who don’t keep agreements, The Hybrid stated, “Benefits? What? Uh...yeah! We’ll get to that too!”