The Slaughtered Calf Inn Menu

Blizzard announced that there will be a "Slaughtered Calf Inn" at BlizzCon this year, fashioned as a replica of the inn in Diablo III. It looks like it'll mostly be a place for attendees to speak one on one with developers. However, my love of puns and restaurants won over and I felt compelled to make a full Blizzard-themed menu. It was published in The Weekly All In #34.

Drama of the Week: BlizzCon Announcement Leaked: Blizzard Restaurant Menu 

By: Mike Harrell 

Today I bring you Weekly All In EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Blizzard’s leaked plans for the a Blizzard themed restaurant. The pilot location is planned for southern California, with doors opening Soon. No announcements were meant to be made until BlizzCon, but it looks like someone jumped the gun. I can’t say I blame them! All of the food sounds excellent and have great names and descriptions. See full menu below.

Name: The Slaughtered Calf Inn 

Key: (D) Diablo, (W) WarCraft, (SC) StarCraft

Openings 

(SC) Ghost Pepper Poppers: Deep fried jalapenos filled with cream cheese, wrapped in crispy bacon, and served with a ghost pepper dipping sauce. The exterminator’s favorite. 

(SC) Appetite for Destruction: Twelve crispy chicken wings tossed in our spicy buffalo sauce. Sure to bring about a Rain of Fire. 

(SC) MotherChip Core: Crispy tortilla chips prepared in house, topped with cheddar cheese, black beans, shredded chicken, avocado, and sour cream. Served with pico de gallo and a band aid. 

(D) Keep it Rare Ahi Tuna: Perfectly seared Ahi Tuna medallions with soy, ginger, and lime. Served on a yellow plate. 

(D) Demonic Body Parts: Lightly breaded and flash-fried calamari rings. Seasoned with pepper flakes and served with your choice of orange sauces. 

(W) Timeless Isle Gyoza: Time will stop when you bite into these delightful dumplings. Filled with our signature seasoned pork mixture and pan steamed and seared. We are under no obligation to tell you how long ago they were cooked. 

(W) The Starting Zone: Can’t choose just one? That’s okay, this selection comes with a miniature portion of all of our appetizers. Enough to share. Be wary of unsolicited guild invites.


Entrees

(SC) Not So Brutalisk Shortribs: Pork spareribs, smoked all day, finished off over an open flame, and slathered in our house Zergling BBQ sauce. A sure favorite. 

(SC) Lurker Belly Sandwich: Thick slices of pan-fried belly with jalapeno cheese, red tomatoes, greens, and a dash of Zergling BBQ sauce. Served on a crusty roll. Contains real Lurker. 

(SC) Fleet Bacon Burger: FLEET BACON! 

(SC) Eggs Baneling: Poached green eggs over english muffins with lurker belly and a spicy hollandaise sauce. 

(SC) The Fast Expand: You’ll feel your belly expand with our fried chicken over a Belgian waffle, topped with an over-easy egg! 

(D) The Carrion Farm: Let us roll you a new pizza, adorned with every meat you can imagine and grilled in our wood burning pizza oven, lit by actual hellflames. 

(D) Full Set of Greens: An entree-sized wedge salad, topped with bleu cheese, bacon, tomatoes, onion, and the envy of everyone else in your party. 

(D) Zombie dogs: Discarded beef comes back to life in a set of three gourmet hot dogs. Toppings change daily. Consult your server. 

(W) Firecracker Salmon: Seared sockeye salmon served with a firecracker aimed in the general direction of your table. If you can eat for longer than 15 seconds without standing, something good may happen in the next hour.  

(W) The Metzen Plate: Our signature breakfast! Pan-seared reindeer sausage, served with house potatoes, three eggs, cooked to your specification, and toast. (W) Nat Pagle’s Fish Tacos: Grilled Lurker Below with cabbage, onions, cheese, and cilantro ranch, all folded into a corn tortilla. Also comes with a 50% chance of getting an extra taco at the beginning of your meal.

Specialties 

(SC) The Dark Archon: An unholy dish featuring a flame-seared New York Strip in weight equal to your left arm and a macadamia nut crusted halibut fillet equal in size to your right. If you can finish in one sitting, you may gain mind control abilities.

(D) The Slaughtered Calf: Veal as you’ve never seen it before. An entire roasted calf is delivered to your table on a cart, Deckard Cain will pass by your table frequently to slice off portions at your request.

(W) Twin Porterhouses of Azzinoth: A 100% chance drop of two 48-oz Porterhouse steaks, aged for 10,000 years, rubbed with salt, pepper, and parsley, and seared over a 2,500 degree, green flame. After being grilled to perfection, each steak is ser 

ved on a replica Warglaive of Azzinoth, which is yours to keep. Are you prepared? 

(SC) The Sushi Rush: The actualization of renown artist Nicolas Chaussois’ Zerg Sushi design. Enjoy a custom selection of Prawnalisks, Bane Rolls, Tamagoyaki Hosts, Unagidralisks, Sushinfestors, California Lings, Nigiroaches, and Muta Makis. Selection limited to 200 supply.

Sides 

(W) Dr. Boom Biscuit: Our flakey house biscuit, topped with win and accompanied by two cheese “bombs” breaded with blue corn flour and deep fried. Accompanies literally all entrees. Limit one per customer. Exceptions may apply. 

(W) BRD Hot Pockets: Inserted into an absurd sleeve and microwaved according to the manufacturer’s directions. Guaranteed to be scalding hot on the outside and frozen on the inside. So good even Leeroy would wait for it.  

(W) Cheesy Poofs: Just like mother used to buy. Perfect for finishing up dailies. 

(D) Inna’s Green Beans: You thought Inna had one of everything, and you were right. Enjoy these garden fresh green beans, lightly steamed and sauteed with garlic, fresh cracked pepper, and crispy bacon pieces.  

(D) Uliana’s Seven-sided Smashed Potatoes: Sure to apply an explosion to your palate, enjoy our smashed potatoes prepared with cream, butter, bleu cheese, garlic, peppercorns, some more cheese, and, sure, some bacon. Why not? 

(SC) Basket of Deep Fried Larva: Just kidding, they’re french fries. Twice fried and tossed in garlic and rosemary.  

(SC) Basket of Deep Fried Sweet Larva: sweet potato fries, tossed in salt and pepper and served with a Zergling BBQ dipping sauce.

Desserts 

(SC) Stalker Delight: Emerge from the shadows for our sour cream blueberry pie. A la mode for $2.50 extra. It’ll be gone before Blink finishes. 

(D) Jar of Souls: A chocolate trifle fit for the Lords of Heaven and Hell. Enjoy layers of Devil’s Food Cake, chocolate creme fraiche, and Angel’s Food Cake. Topped with an orange slice and mint.  

(W) Vykrul Ice Creams: Secret recipes that were all thought to be destroyed during the Lich King’s reign. Made with pure, organic, wolvar milk.


Drinks 

(SC) Blaze of Glory: The mother of all milkshakes. A gallon of masterfully-crafted shake. Thick enough to require a spoon, creamy enough to make you swoon. Comes in chocolate, because that’s the only good flavor for milkshakes. 

(SC) Semi-Glorious: Half order of the Blaze of Glory. For sissies. 

(D) A Smash Hit: A shot of all 27 house liqueurs and whatever else we can find in our bar.  

(D) A Smash Hit (Cooperative): The same as A Smash Hit, but your friends are allowed to help. 

(D) Diet Kulle Aid: Don’t drink it.  

(W) Conjured Water: It’s water...that you didn’t have to get yourself.

I love this article so, so much. Pretty much none of these jokes make sense unless you've played the corresponding game (or hearthstone). One exception however, is the Fleet Bacon Burger's blurb of "FLEET BACON!" That comes from the long-discontinued podcast "The Creep" by Scott Johnson of Frogpants studios. He just kind of had a thing for yelling "FLEET BEACON!" I can't really recall why that was now, it may have just been that he had a hard time remember it. 

But yeah, I made up just about all of these myself, and I think I'd be willing to eat just about all of them. It's worth noting that the Twin Porterhouses of Azzinoth can be shared by several people, but there are only two warglaives per order, so the group will have to sort that out themselves, which seems appropriate. 

I'm not 100% happy with the variety of foods on the menu, however. It seems like the classes of food vary too greatly. We have chicken wings, fish tacos, biscuits, and top-tier steak all on the same menu. That just doesn't seem right.

Also, I showed this to a coworker and he made a great suggestion for a dessert. It was, "Dark Templar: A scrumptious 3 layer chocolate creme cake served free of charge when an entree is forgotten, delayed or burned in the kitchen as a last ditch effort to win the patrons repeat visit." I think the name needs a little work, but that's such a perfect idea! 

Drama of the Week: Kerrigan Would Kill Over The New UI

Ever since we first started to see screenshots and concept art for Heart of the Swarm, I began to assume that Kerrigan's human model was a placeholder or somehow unfinished. She was just way, way too sexy, with baffling proportions and overly revealing "armor." Much to my dismay, that really was the official depiction. With the latest patch in StarCraft, the update for Legacy of the Void, the new central protagonist, Artanis, you can see that Blizzard really went all out to portray him as an incredible warrior. I really wished that Kerrigan had gotten the same treatment. This article was published in issue 32. Also, the initial title was "A Sex Object’s Objection."

Drama of the Week: Kerrigan Response to the New UI: It’s Still Missing SomethingBy: Mike Harrell 

StarCraft II players rejoiced this week with the implementation of patch 3.0, the precursor to the release of Legacy of the Void. The user experience for the entire menu system has been updated, and almost everything is just what the players have been asking for. Visually dynamic screens? Yes. Awesome new campaign selection screen that harkens back to StarCraft and Brood War? Oh, yes. Even the Arcade, which many players have all but given up on, was given a wondrous new “Join” page, which lists all of the games will open lobbies to join.  

More than anything, however, that new startup screen with Artanis charging out from the cliffs and laying some Zerglings low is 100% A+ 10/10 awesome StarCraft. It’s exactly what the game needed. When the player starts up the game, they’re greeted with the opportunity to gaze upon Artanis’ noble visage and peer into his fathomless eyes, followed by the new, beautiful “Space Clouds” screen, which effectively transports the player into another place and time. And then the player sees Artanis, leader of the Protoss, exert his majestic strength on the Zerg pestilence. Oh yeah baby, IT’S STARCRAFT TIME! 

Kerrigan Speaks Out 

There is, however, one person who is not impressed by the changes. Sarah “The Queen of Blades” Kerrigan is pissed, and she will not stew in silence. 

“The very nicest thing I can think to say about Artanis’ ‘glory jump’ is to encourage each person that was involved in the production to make sure your will is current and your life insurance premium is paid up,” growled a livid Kerrigan in our last communication. That’s right, the self-proclaimed “Queen Bitch of the Universe” is on the warpath, and it’s over the disparity in her and Artanis’ portrayals in the StarCraft title screen.    

“I can’t believe the difference,” Kerrigan continued. “Blizzard must have spent millions on the set, robotics, and post-effects required for Artanis to make that ‘jump.’ Seriously, they build a mountain, a bunch of robotic Zerglings, and add charge and shield effects to make him look like some kind of hero (as if that were possible for a Protoss). The last time I heard of Artanis, he was running around an abandoned Xel’Naga temple in his underwear because his home planet had been completely ravaged. Meanwhile, I was conquering the rest of the sector, and single-handedly defeated the United Earth Directorate. What has Artanis done?” 

Artanis Is Just Hype 

Kerrigan is correct on that point. As far as we can tell, Zeratul has been the driving force behind the Protoss’ relevance in the continuing narrative of the Koprulu Sector. It was Zeratul that led Raynor to the artifacts and convinced him not to kill Kerrigan when he got the chance. It was Zeratul that led Kerrigan to reclaim her lost power. I’d be willing to put down money it’s Zeratul that convinces the Protoss to stop screwing around and do something about Amon.  

Artanis has accomplished buying new clothes and turning a blind eye as the Tal’darim resurrected a dead god (that wants to kill us all). Hardly the kind of governance that merits the most awe-inspiring in-game animation to date. 

With violet bioluminescence flaring in her eyes, Kerrigan began to seethe, “I’ve been the death of billions across this sector, and I will be for billions more before I’m done. I can create life with my psionic ability alone. I have fought for and won my freedom again and again, from the Confederacy, from Mengsk, from the Overmind, from the UED, and now from an actual god. And how does Blizzard portray me? They recreate footage from my most vulnerable moments, when my strength had been taken from me, put me in some kind of bodypaint with LED’s glued to it, and have me stand around and flex. What a waste!” 

Kerrigan: The Ultimate Show of Force 

A waste indeed! If Blizzard was looking for an impressive show of strength and lethality, there is no better specimen than Sarah Kerrigan. As a Terran ghost she was a flawless assassin, and as the Queen of Blades she has become the single most dangerous and influential force in the known universe. It seems like she would be pretty hard to overlook in any kind of objective appraisal. 

I said this to Kerrigan and regretted it immediately. She stiffened and with terrible calmness she began to murmur, “The reason is that they fear me. I’m the only protagonist (or whatever) in this entire story that is actually dangerous without $50 million worth of equipment. In the blink of an eye, I could stop your heart with my mind, slit your throat with my wings, or transform you into discount hamburger meat by way of a 70-foot-tall Ultralisk. Blizzard sought to marginalize me due to my sex and usher me along out of view once my story was ‘over.’ I will not be forgotten so easily. They will know that I am I capable of more than walking in asinine chitinous heels and having breasts and a thighgap. Through their stinging tears and stifled sobs they will know the horrifying might of The Swarm.” 

Enfranchise The Players 

Putting aside the lust for murder, Kerrigan is right. If this new UI is the new StarCraft, all its heroes should be given equal treatment. Currently our heroes are represented as “Slayer Artanis,” “Had Some Work Done Barbie: Kerrigan,” and “Raynor’s Rear Bumper” (although it could easily be interpreted as Matt Horner’s bumper). Where is the equal opportunity in displays of power?  

We need a few more title screens added, featuring each hero (and villain!?) displaying their strengths and abilities in equally-inspiring fashion. It will be immersive and inspiring for players of all types. If it’s good for the player, it’s good for the game. Let’s get it done.

I really enjoyed writing this one. The way that Blizzard has portrayed Kerrigan in StarCraft II is such an incredible disservice. She was never meant to be sexy. She's powerful, dangerous, and ruthless. I hate that she reappeared in StarCraft II with hot air balloons on her chest. It felt good to finally get to get it out on paper (so to speak). Also, this is more or less the first time that I've attempted to think about what a fictitious character would say and do and write it down, as opposed to just referencing something and hoping for a laugh from the reader. I feel like it came out pretty good.

Another Article of Substance: How to Introduce People to Esports

This article was partially inspired by an argument I had with another writer about the social acceptability of esports. He felt that it would never become a mainstream activity that people generally approved of. Or maybe that's not what he thought, it was very confusing. Either way, I was, and am, adamant that esports is on the rise, and will continue to gain popularity, even if the games change over time. The article was publish in today's issue, #33

This conversation revealed some defensiveness on the part of esport enthusiasts. Many of us have been burned in the past when trying to talk esports ("What? Why would anyone watch that? Sound stupid!"), but as videogames grow in popularity, it stands to reason that esports will as well, regardless of the"acceptability."

Additionally, there was some discussion about how it can be weird to tell people who don't know about esports that you write (or draw) about esports. Naturally, I decided that I should go ahead and write up a guide to help people talk about esports to the uninitiated. It really doesn't need to be much a big deal.

Drama of the Week: Esports for Dummies: Explaining Esports to the Uninitiated 

By: Mike Harrell 

Esports. We love it. Whether we’ve been following competitive gaming broadcasts back in the BW days before the west even knew about it, or just got into it this week, we observe a rich culture of spectating, commentary, and artistic contributions. We can also see that it is growing very quickly and stigmas surrounding it are beginning to crumble. 

That’s how things are on the inside. But how does it look on the outside? A reeking mass of sweaty neckbeards? Maybe people used to think that, but perceptions are changing. 

This article aims to be a guide on how to introduce other people to esports as a concept. This article is not about how to get your Dad, Grandma, Significant Other, or Cat to suddenly become a frothing esports fanatic. This is about presenting an emerging new pastime and the surrounding industry to people who are unfamiliar with it. We will do this by gauging their interest level of watching a competitive event with their perception of video games, and using that information to build a conceptual path to esports. 

Step 1: Set Reasonable Goals for the Interaction 

Seriously, we should all calm down a bit when we talk to people. Don’t be defensive. Don’t assume people will say it’s dumb. The vast majority of people simply don’t know that there are video games with the depth and format to merit an esport. And frankly, there is no single activity that everyone in the world understands the appeal for, or necessarily enjoys it if they do. Not everyone likes watching football even if they know all about it and have close relationships with people who do. The same goes for all forms of entertainment. Again, this is about increasing understanding, not conversion.  

Step 2: Preparing Your Pitch 

Here is a basic explanation of esports that you can use for anyone, “There are games like [use a game you like as an example] that have a lot of depth of strategy and competition has flourished around it. There are even some large scale competitions that get broadcasted online with commentary and it can be a lot of fun to watch!”  

If they seem interested, you can follow up with a “If you want to check it out, I can send you some good clips from YouTube, or invite you over to watch with me the next time there’s an event. ” The purpose of the invite isn’t necessarily to get people at your house to watch esports, but to be open and inviting. People will be more likely to give esports a fair shake if they have someone to go to for questions. 

The most important part of the explanation, however, is how you adapt and add to it to suit your audience. Let’s discuss that in more detail. 

Step 3: Gauge Interest as a Spectator 

The following list of activities is meant to be a loose scale to help you determine how similar your audience’s interest as a spectator are to esports. The further down the list they go, the more likely they are to understand the appeal of esports.  

Rock bottom: Does not watch tv for entertainment. 

Low: Will watch a game show (Price is Right, Jeopardy)  

Will watch others play a heated card/board game 

Casual: Will watch competitive sports on tv at a party/with a group 

Will watch competitive sports on tv alone 

High: Will watch others in the same room play a videogame with interest 

Highest: Will watch a youtube video of exceptional gameplay   

Step 4: Gauge Interest in Video Games Generally 

The following list of activities is meant to be a scale to help you determine not just your audience’s interest in video games, but also the likelihood that they are aware of the types of games that have become an esport. The further down the list you can go, the more likely that your audience will be able to appreciate esports. 

Rock bottom: Will not play any video game

Low: Will play digitized games on their phone  (Sudoku, Words With Friends)

  Will play casual games on their phone (Angry Birds, Boom Beach) 

Casual: Will play on a PC or Console at a party/in a group. 

Will play anything at all on a PC or Console alone. 

High: Will seek out and buy a game of their own accord on PC or Console 

Highest: Already plays a game with a strong esports scene. 

Step 5: Make Your Pitch 

Now that you’ve taken a few minutes to consider your audience’s interests, let’s put it together.  Here follows a list of several configurations as well as a suggestion on how you could begin a productive conversation. 

Rock bottom interest on either list: Don’t get your hopes up here. Stick with your basic pitch and hope for the best. 

Low Interest in both areas: Another hard sell, but not hopeless. Esports is probably not going to be their thing, but that doesn't mean they can’t be cool about it. Again, stick with your basic pitch and hope for the best. 

Casual Interest in both areas: This one’s hard because these are probably the people you WANT to get esports. Try to determine what appeals to them as a spectator or a gamer and emphasize those things in your portrayal of esports. Try not to come on too strong.  

Uneven interest: This is the most likely situation. Like the casual viewer/gamer, pick the activity that they seem to have a greater general interest in, and expand on that in relation to esports. If they love brackets or stats in sports, tell them about some esports upsets and facts. If they’re a big gamer, tell them how esports showcases the best gamers in the world.  

High interest in both areas: It’s easy at this point, it’s just a matter of figuring out which game they would be interested in seeing played at a high level and telling them about it. 

Highest interest on either list: Dude. They’re already there! Invite them over for WCS and don’t be surprised if they become more hardcore than you!  

Caveat: Some People Aren’t Ready 

Unfortunately, you may know someone, someone important to you, who’s just too set in their own opinion that they may willfully refuse to listen to you about the appeal of esports. If this happens, I’m genuinely sorry. It’s hard when someone is dismissive of your passion. Maybe it will give a little comfort to know that kind of feeling is not the growing trend. Esports is becoming more popular and “acceptable” every day all over the world. Maybe your friend/family member will come around in time, or maybe not. Either way, you tried. The rest is up to them.

Drama of the Week: Yet Another Fake Player's Union

Every couple of months there's talk of western pro athletes getting together for some union effort, so it's pretty ripe for parody. The week this article ran in issue 31 there were many, many, images with quotes of players and commentators. They started out okay, then got silly, then dumb, then just terrible. And then this article happened.

Drama of the Week: StarCraft Union Officially Forms: Players and Units Assert Their RightsBy: Mike Harrell

After a dramatic week of tournament results, GSL announcements, and countless “motivational” posts, the biggest news of all has risen to the top: A new StarCraft union has officially been announced! Defenders Against Nerds Keeping Marketing Efforts as Minor Esports Sensationalism  has been formed with the the following founding members: Scarlett, the Battlecruiser, IdrA, a Hydralisk, Artosis, Innovation, Boxer, Psione, White Ra, MarineKingPrime, the Hybrid, HuK, and the entire Protoss race. 

Taking Ownership

“The internet has long been rife with misquotations and misattributions on shareable images. Today, StarCraft says ‘No!’” said the Hybrid, the elected spokesperson for D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S. “It’s all fun and games until someone uses your words to justify the legalisation of Terrazine. Or, as what happened to me, being attributed the quote ‘l2p stupid 6pooler.’ I have never said such a thing. The buck stops here. Our words are valuable and we will not see them spewed across the internet just for your entertainment.”

The Hybrid continued, “We will be issuing a Take Down Notice in the morning to every website we find that hosts an image with a quote that alleges to be from any of our members without proper licensing through our media department. We will also be initiating litigation with r/Starcraft for the defamation and invasion of privacy of our members. Our words have value, and for the protection and peace of mind of our members, you can find all quotes related to them, motivational and otherwise, at dankmemes.gg.    

A Culture of Misrepresentation 

It is true that the internet is a place where the bold pray upon the gullible. The supposed likeness and words of everyone from Abraham Lincoln to Mark Twain to Kermit the Frog has been used to forward the message of every group with an agenda for years. It stands to reason that a StarCraft players’ union would want to nip that kind of behavior in the bud before real damage is can be done.

Players and Units Speak Out 

“Before being contacted by D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S., I was in a downward spiral,” lamented one Protoss archon, who wished to be identified only as The Archon. “I happened upon this message board and people had put my face and my words into an image for their own benefit. It was an image from over 15 years ago. I was a minor back then! How is that okay? I felt so manipulated and betrayed, it was like I was at the Fall of Tarsonis all over again! But now that we have real representation, we’re able to take our words and likeness back!” 

“This just the next step in StarCraft,” said the captain of the battlecruiser, “I try to keep things positive overall, and I appreciate that players agree with my ‘take it slow’ mantra. But my mantra is personal. I spent weeks crafting it with my therapist and I never wanted to share it. Blizzard never told us there would be cameras and microphones when we agreed to be part of the game. Now I see ‘take it slow’ posted online with my photo and it’s psychologically crippling. I no longer have any confidence. There was almost a mutiny last week because we were shot at by a Sentry and I announced, ‘Abandon ship!’ to the crew. D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S. is a godsend.” 

“I don’t see how I have anything to do with this.” said IdrA, who seems to get dragged into every StarCraft discussion, despite not being involved or interested in the game for years now. 

Just The Beginning 

Expect to see D.A.N.K.M.E.M.E.S.’ presence online more and more over the next few months as they champion player and units’ rights. When asked when they would be address concerns such as player health care benefits and tournaments who don’t keep agreements, The Hybrid stated, “Benefits? What? Uh...yeah! We’ll get to that too!”

An Article of Substance: eSports In the Olympics: Where Do We Stand?

last week I decided that I needed to start getting some articles published that aren't completely silly. I landed on writing about games in the Olympics and thought I'd make little thing that was page or two long that would give me a chance to look into the matter and report back.

Upward of 15 hours later, I have this monster of an article. I also happen to know so much more about the Olympic process than I ever have. A few times while writing, I felt like a 4th grader writing a report. But here it is. It appeared in Issue #30 of The Weekly All In as the headlining article. More details at the bottom.

A few weeks ago, the unlikeliest of all men, my father, who I have never seen willingly play a videogame in my life, genuinely asked me if eSports would ever be an Olympic event.

This is not a new topic among video gaming enthusiasts, as competitive gaming is as old as video gaming itself. Tennis for Two, which is frequently given the title of the first video game, pit two players against each other in a competitive match. As competitive gaming continues to gain momentum (and people still watch Twitch.tv more than Hulu), this is a topic that will increasingly pass through the minds of more than just gamers. If my father can stop and wonder and ask if eSports could make it to the Olympics, the pinnacle of all competitive sports, anyone can.

But what about…?

Is holding a high score really worth a gold medal? Is winning a game of StarCraft or Heroes of the Storm or Hearthstone really worthy of that kind of recognition? Do the majority of gamers even care to see competitive gaming at the Olympic level?
The hallmark of any discussion of gaming in the Olympic Games are the questions. StarCraft in the Olympic Games sure sounds awesome to me, but how would it be done? Is it “athletic” enough? Which video games would be played? Who would get to play? How is the balance/rules decided for each game? Won’t the owners of the game get a bunch of free advertizing and make a ton of money? What about hacking and other forms of cheating?

There are many philosophical and logistical obstacles keeping eSports out of the international mainstream. Let’s discuss some of the biggest ones. Also, I’ll be assuming that eSports is going for the summer games for this article, although winter would work too.

How Would It Even Be Done?

The manner in which a sport is included in the Olympic Games is changing. Long and complicated story short: there are going to be 28 sports in the 2016 Summer Games. Of those 28, 25 are “safe” sports that will definitely be at the 2020 Summer Games in Japan and will persist to future games as well unless something drastic (decreased popularity, very large scandals, etc) happens. The remaining three are non-core sports. In the case of the 2020 Games, there eight more sports attempting to gain admittance as a non-core sport: baseball/softball, bowling, karate, roller sports, sport climbing, squash, surfing, and wushu.

Esports would have to put together a bid as a non-core sport with a set list of “events” that cover each of the games and/or game modes to be played. A bid would also probably include rulesets, a description of the equipment required and its cost, a plan for how competitors will be chosen, as well as some kind of justification for why eSports merits a place in the Olympics. A simple majority is all that is required by the International Olympic Committee, or IOC, to approve the bid. How likely is that? Impossible, at least in the short term.

Japan is one of the more video game-friendly countries in the world, but the eSports scene is not as developed as in America, Europe, or Korea. And, unfortunately, it’s the IOC and not the people of Japan that need to be convinced. Furthermore, it’s already too late to try and get eSports included in 2020. The IOC won’t cast their deciding votes until 2016, just before the start of the  Games in Rio de Janeiro, but the final presentations for those sports already in the running will take place on September 30th. We’re looking at 2024 or 2028 at best.

Are Video Games Physical Enough?

Day9 famously describes StarCraft in the following way, “StarCraft requires the dexterity of a pianist, the mind of a chess grandmaster, and the discipline of an Olympic trainee. We believe that our game, StarCraft, is as dynamic and exciting a spectator sport as any other.” If we use sports like archery and shooting as a standard, it is very easy to think of StarCraft, DOTA 2, or Counter Strike in the Olympic Games. The spectatorship for League of Legends especially is very convincing, having once achieved 32 million viewers for one event.

The highest level of these games require world-class dedication, strategy and dexterity as well as being physically demanding. Other popular games...not so much. For example, Hearthstone, despite it’s popularity (and fun factor), I think a digital card game would be a hard sell. In short, I think some video games would be more welcome than others.

Who Would Play?

the International e-Sport Federation, which has been around for several years now (see http://ie-sf.org/), but isn’t very prominenent, would determine who would play.  International sport federations exist for every sport. They supervise play at the international level, recognize and encourage up-and-coming athletes, and choose their own method of granting admittance to Olympic competition.

For the current Olympic sports, there are multiple ways that athletes make it to the Olympic Games. Some sports require that athletes be selected for a national team, which competes in qualifiers until a final set of teams “make it” to the Olympics. Others are able to rely on a ranking system based on their performance in recent, non-Olympic, competitions. There are already events that use these same methods in the gaming world. The eSports big wigs would simply have to pick one and go with it.

Who Decides the Balance/Rules?

The International e-Sport Federation would decide how the games are played. There would have to be a discussion as to whether the Federation would simply to defer to the developer’s current rules/balance, or to adjust it to suit the intended audience (only the best players in the world). I believe it’s unlikely that game balance would be left completely in the hands of Blizzard, Valve, or any other private entity, as they have to appeal to the entire playerbase. The balance and rules within each game would also probably have to be solidified months before the games are actually played, which the developers may not want to be held to.

These alternate rules would, of course, be very similar to default ones. In the case of a game like StarCraft, that would likely consist of choosing the map pool, game speed, finally nerfing Adepts, and do something with Colossi.

This may chafe the developers of each game a little, but that’s how it works for most sports. I assume that developers would also be encouraged to add some kind of in-game consideration for players who want to play the international version of the game. A special “Official Olympic Mod” and matchmaking sounds like the natural place to start (should we ever get that far).

Facilitating the Games

Running an eSports event, especially with multiple games, is expensive. But is it that expensive? Assuming that a new building specifically to facilitate the eSports competitions does not have to be built, eSports would automatically become one of the least-expensive events to run in the entire Olympic Games.

One pricey facet of running a tournament: paying for player transportation, room, and board, would not be the responsibility of the Olympics at all. That responsibility is on the competitors themselves, although they frequently receive assistance from sponsors, their team, or even their government.

Gone also would be the cost of a prize pool. The only prize awarded by the IOC itself is the medal. Some federations will also pay a monetary reward for each medal won, depending on their place on the podium. I wouldn’t be surprised if the game developer contributed or crowd-sourced a prize of some kind as well, just to make things more exciting. But on the whole, this is another cost that would be avoided.

The largest cost would be the cost of the “production,” meaning the computers, the cameras, the screens, the network to get all the computers wired together, and then the bandwidth to broadcast it all. It would cost at least a couple hundred thousand dollars. I haven’t been able to get an exact number of any particular source for an event of this size, but this seems like a safe estimate. And, while it may sound like a lot, it really isn’t that much compared to the cost of the other games. Plus, I’m sure that would be easily covered with ticket sales and streaming subscriptions.

All in all, none of the organizational challenges seem all that hard to overcome. We just need to knuckle down and do it. But there’s still one massive elephant in the room that will need to be addressed before any progress can be made: Money.

Won’t Blizzard/Riot/Valve Make a TON of money from this?

YES. The answer to this is ABSOLUTELY YES. Having a privately-owned game in the Olympic Games  would result in a huge amount of free advertising and revenue for the game and its developer. If the company is publically traded, just the announcement would result in a huge spike in share values. It would affect the entire gaming market. Careers and companies would be made or broken by securing or being passed over for a coveted slot on the eSports event list.

It’s only fair for a business to make money from their product, but no one entity owns soccer (or football, if you insist), diving, or any other Olympic sport or event. They transcend ownership, which puts eSports at odds with every other sport. It stands to reason that if eSports were to be admitted, each game would be played fully on the terms of the IOC and the Federation, outside the influence of, and without any direct benefit to, any outside league or for-profit business.

How to Take Money Out of Sports?

This brings us to the question that I cannot answer alone. How do we remove the unmatchable profitability that would surely come to the few developers who were able to get their game in the Olympics? (And curtail the corruption and cheating that would be sure to follow?)

Is it as simple as the developer agreeing to put their game into the public domain if it is selected? That could be too harsh. Maybe the studio just agrees to donate all revenue from that game, and any promotional content related to the Olympics, for a specific period of time (say, from the date of the announcement of its inclusion in the Olympic Games until the end of the Closing Ceremonies)? Maybe a non-profit Federation version of the game is created that the developer agrees to support but not profit from?

My recommendation at this time would have to be the donation of revenues route. Given the iterative nature of videogames, it wouldn’t be fair for a company to completely lose their intellectual property over one game that will probably only be in one or two Olympics at most before being replaced by a sequel or something entirely different  Also, it would be important for the recipient of the donation to be an organization that is not owned or overseen by the Olympic Committee or the Federation to maintain the separation of interest. Neither the developers nor the Olympic bodies should get the money if a conflict of interest is to be avoided.

A Bright Future

The greatest of all the obstacles keeping eSports out of the world’s largest international sporting competition is, most likely, the perception that videogaming is a complete waste of time, and only braindead manboys do it. However, that perception is changing.  

It’s only a matter of time before spectating competitive gaming becomes as prominent as traditional sports and, when that time comes, people will stop asking what if? and begin to ask why isn’t eSports in the Olympics?

After writing this beast, I have two major questions.

1. Summer or Winter Games? It could really go with either one. I think we should just go with whatever we can get, frankly. Shooting and archery could go into either, I guess. Maybe Winter sports really do have to be Winter-specific. Whatever.

2. Are people interested in the No-money route? I'm not sure there's ever been a long running international non-profit sporting organisation that wasn't hugely corrupted. I imagine that my ideals of trying to keep all of the money out of the event to maintain purity in competition and event selection wouldn't actually be shared by the primary stakeholders in the conversation (The federations and the game developers). It's a shame.

"An Article of Substance" is a reference to Nicolas, who, during our meetings, will listen to us pitch idiot silly ideas for 30 minutes and then ask "and who will write an article of substance?" Then it gets quiet.