Weekly All In Featured!

Today's Weekly All In is featured on the Battle.Net Launcher on and the StarCraft homepage today!!!

Launcher:

Website:

Woo hoo! It only took a year, but we finally got some serious recognition from Blizzard. Here's hoping for more in the future! :D <3

Drama: Cheating Is Bad, Folks

Another young and successful eSports kid bites the dust. If anything's going to destroy eSports, it's the players themselves. This article was published in The Weekly All In #42.

Drama of the Week: How to Save a Life: The Definitive Guide to Not Getting Caught Matchfixing

By: Mike Harrell

A few months ago, I had the incredible opportunity to attend BlizzCon in person for the first time. I saw all of my StarCraft heroes, from Neuro to Day9 to David Kim. Perhaps the greatest highlight of them all was coming within arm’s reach from Life on his walk to the stage for the Final match and then getting a high five from, and my badge signed by, sOs after his championship victory.

The thrill from the casters, and spectacle of the stage, and the excitement of the crowd is one of the best memories of my life, period. It’s still almost too good to be true. I have moments where I see a picture I took from the event and think “Wow. I really did that. I was really there.”  

Intrinsic v Extrinsic Enjoyment

As with all sport, there are the casual viewers that just want to see the action. The hits in football, the fights in hockey, the explosions in StarCraft. They eventually grow into more refined enthusiasts that notice the overall strategies and common tactics. One day, they may even develop an appreciation of minute details like altering a build order to get a unit out *just* in time, or turning a widow mine back on its owner.

However, the thrill of pure competition isn’t enough for some people. Sometimes, the desire to “make things interesting” goes well beyond a friendly bet, and can lead to not just a significant loss of money, but relationships, careers, and even freedom. This is the very reason that gambling is illegal in so many places, as the thrill of getting a quick return on investment can quickly carry a unwitting person to disaster.

In eSports, large-scale gambling operations have brought us nothing but missed opportunities, broken heroes, and a vague sense of inevitable ruin.

What’s Become of My Life?

In the StarCraft community, we are once again rocked by news that a popular and successful (and not even previously-successful, but currently successful!) player has been arrested in South Korea due to allegations of match fixing.

Just to clarify, this isn’t your run-of-the-mill bet. When we talk about match fixing, it means that the player has made an agreement with an organised crime ring to lose on purpose. Members of that ring then bet on the opposing player, the one sure to win, and make a huge amount of money. The player is then paid for “taking the fall” so that the rest of the ring could benefit.

Yes, organized crime. Like the Mob. Like how Al Capone used to fix boxing matches. It’s the exact same situation, except Savior didn’t have to get punched in the head for several rounds of boxing to make it convincing. Even worse, what may seem like a simple loss to a novice eye can be easily detected before the match even happens thanks to the computerization of betting and odds calculation. And who gets to go to jail when the player gets caught? The player. It’s illegal, it’s dangerous, and there’s no amount of money that will make up for the shame, personal destruction, and jail time that will make it worth getting caught.

It’s Time to Stop

In closing, I have prepared a set of guidelines to help players from getting caught match fixing. I hope that it will prove useful to players and team staff alike.

The Definitive Guide to not Getting Caught Matchfixing:

1. Never agree to lose a game on purpose for money. If someone approaches you about doing so, say no and tell your team management about the incident.
2. If a coach approaches you about losing a game on purpose for any reason, say no, and tell your team management about the incident.
3. If a teammate approaches you about losing a game on purpose for any reason, say no, and tell your team management about the incident.
4. If a close friend or family member approaches you about losing a game on purpose for any reason, say no, and tell your team management about the incident.
5. If someone calls you calls you and claims to be a Blizzard employee and tells you to lose a game on purpose, say no, and tell your team management about the incident.
6. If a shady dude stops you on the street and tells you he has a business proposition for you, say you’re not interested and tell your team management about the incident.
7. If you have reason to suspect your opponent or team member agreed to lose a game on purpose, tell your team management about the incident.
8. If your team management approaches you about losing a game on purpose for any reason, say no, and call the hotline to get yourself checked into KeSPA Jail.

The Future of StarCraft: Preparing the Next Generation

Every now and then I feel the need to write from the aspect of a parent of wants his child to like video games, and especially StarCraft. I feel it's only natural. 

If you've ever looked at a website for an expensive preschool, or even just heard of one, you'll know exactly where this article is coming from. It was first published in The Weekly All In #41. 

Drama of the Week: The Future of StarCraft: Preparing the Next GenerationBy: Mike Harrell

Disclaimer: I am writing this promotional article in exchange for moving my child up on the GosuSchool wait list.

Hello! And thank you for picking up this light introduction to “GosuSchool: The StarCraft Academy” the premier North American preschool for children ages 2 - 6. The facilities are unrivaled, philosophy of learning beyond reproach, and the star-studded faculty will provide your children with just the foundation they need to go on to the “Boxer School of Gifted StarCraft Youngsters” once they turn 7.

A New Kind of Education

GosuSchool was the first StarCraft-centric preschool of its kind and it remains the best in the world. From the time your child enrolls in the school as a Little Larva, until he or she graduates as a Zippy Zerglin’, your little nerd, or “Nerdling,” will gain invaluable cooperative and competitive experiences and learn in a world better than the real world: The StarCraft World.

Facilities

Each day, your child will march past the larger than life murals of StarCraft heroes, past and present, by renown StarCraft artist, Nicolas Chaussois. He will meet with his team and coach for a preview the day’s activities, and then set off on a brand new adventure of gaming-centric learning. When it’s time for lunch, custom PA recordings, courtesy of Robert Clotworthy, voice of Jim Raynor, will invite them to proceed to the cafe.  

White Ra’s Cafe, operated by the nicest and most paternal chef in the StarCraft community, boasts kid-friendly “Marine Meal” versions from the Slaughtered Calf Inn such as “Narud Nuggets,” “Dong RaGu Pasta,”  and “Raynor’s Raisins” with “Destructible Rock Candy” or “Baneling (Cake) Rolls” for dessert as well as Eastern European and Russian specialties as featured on White Ra’s Facebook page.

And that’s just the morning! Open-ended “Strategic Play” in the afternoon gives your child control of their games. They can choose to move up and down ramps, look up and down cliffs, and proceed at a steady pace from one end of the playground to the other. All “Strategic Play” is supervised and facilitated by highly-trained coaches, all of which are Twitch.tv partners and have completed a one year Early Childhood StarCraft Education cerification course.

Learning like a Gamer

Every day, your child will engage in varied activities to help them learn and grow to become the professional gamer you were hoping for. Activities Director Grubby will guide your child through physically and intellectually stimulating games like “Split the Marines” (shape and color sorting), “Mine the Minerals” (relay racing and circuit activities), and “Get the Watchtower” (climbing and communicating). All games are painstakingly designed by acclaimed Game Director, Dustin Browder, who is available 24/7 for all of your concerns, whether valid or not, via Twitter.

Also noteworthy are award winning Music Appreciation classes, featuring exclusive music* composed by legendary composer, Russell Brower, where children learn to use music to their advantage to immerse themselves more fully in their learning. You’ll see huge gains in your child’s APM as they hum, sing, and dance to new classics such as “Old Matt Horner Had a Farm,” “If You’re Gosu And You Know It,” and “Little Probe Beep.”

Special Programs

Beyond the outstanding daily activities, we boast one of a kind special programs. Each week, we have “Story Time with Morhaime,” where Blizzard President Mike Morhaime himself flies in on his Warp Prism and reads a story of his choosing to the children. Sorry, parents, kids only!

And don’t miss the dynamic schedule of future programs. Including: “Looking Like A Pirate for Fun and Profit” with Chris Metzen, “It Doesn’t Have to Be Complicated To Make Money” with Ben Brode, “Becoming A Cat Man” with Day9, and “When What You Thought Was Vespene Was Really BM.” with Zagara.

Just Click Play

Don’t wait a moment longer to reserve your child or future child’s place at GosuSchool: The StarCraft Academy. The wait list already extends for two years, so waiting until your child is born may be too late! Don’t be the parent that denies your child the premier preschool experience.

Financing options available.

*Digital download of “GosuSchool: Learning Like Winners” album available through Battle.net. Digital Deluxe edition includes exclusive the in-game World of Warcraft “Nerdling” battle pet, the surprisingly-generic exclusive StarCraft II in-game portrait featuring the GosuSchool logo, exclusive Diablo III “Nerdling” in-game pet and sigil, Heroes of the Storm exclusive “Nerdling” in-game skin for Murky, and exclusive in-game GosuSchool cardback in Hearthstone.

My favorite part of the this article is definitely story time with Mike Morhaime. Every time I see him speak or in an interview, I'm impressed by how much like a "normal" person he is. He's not glamorous. He's not particularly handsome or charismatic, But you can tell he's smart and that he cares about what he does and about other people, which is led to his success. I can totally picture him taking time out to read a story to children. And flying around in a Warp Prism, because billionaires can have nice things.

Drama: When Pro Gamers Retire

First appeared in Issue 37 of The Weekly All In

Some quick background: "Flash" is, more or less, the greatest StarCraft competitive player, ever. Period. He is frequently and unceremoniously referred to as "God" by many members of the StarCraft community (at least by ones that remember him from 5+ years ago). He was never so completely dominant while playing SC2, but he was always a force to be reckoned with. He's retiring from pro gaming as a player to fulfill the mandatory military service that Korea requires of him.

Some members of the SC community just don't get why/how players must move on from StarCraft, but it's a very real and common thing. This article was to try and explore the process that professional athletes go though as they come to terms with their decline in ability, and figure out what they're going to do next.

Drama of the Week: Retirement: When a God Fades Away

By: Mike Harrell

Flash announced his retirement from professional gaming this week, rocking StarCraft fans around the world. Some speculation informs us that Flash hopes to one day be the head coach of KT Rolster, but there is no indication of when that may happen, or of what Flash’s intended path to accomplish it may be.

Is It Really Retirement?

At 23 years old, “retired” seems like a strange word to describe Flash, or any other former pro gamer. But what does the elite StarCraft player do with himself (or herself, as we will hopefully be able to say before too long) once they’ve finished competing? At 28, I haven’t even entered my intended career yet. But by the time they reach my current age, the vast majority of pro gamers have peaked, declined, and then either taken up non-player roles in esports, moved on and faded into obscurity, or, worst of all, they put on bizarre outfits and create sad “entertainment” streams where they play on as a shadow of their former selves.

But then again, Flash won his first Premier tournament, the 2008 XNote GOMTV Star Invitational, at just 15 years old. Fifteen. What were you doing at fifteen? Probably about the same as I was: in high school, trying to not be scared of girls, and had a minimum-wage job in the summer. The notion of flying all around the world competing in video games for thousands of dollars had not yet even occurred to me..

Yet, Flash’s situation is hardly unique. History is repeating itself right now with Life and Maru, who are both currently just 18. Life won a GSL at 15 and is a BlizzCon champion. Maru won an OSL at 16, and just 6 months ago All-Killed KT Rolster in the Proleague playoffs, defeating Zest, Life, Stats, and Flash, one after the other. It stands to reason that both Life and Maru will continue to have impressive accomplishments for at least the next few years, just as Flash did.

Par for the Course

When will Life and Maru retire? Also at 23? If so, that gives them five more years. To put that in perspective, Wings of Liberty came out five years ago. When StarCraft II turns 10, will Life and Maru still be on the scene? We can only wait and watch, but one day, just as with all sports, even the current upstarts will eventually become a thing of the past.

But when they do, they will still have at least two-thirds of their lives ahead of them. It would be sad to even consider the idea that the greatest accomplishments of their lives occurred before they even turned 20. But what do professional gamers go on to do? Korean gamers generally have required military service, and sometimes, like Boxer and others, become coaches afterward.

Foreign players are just as enigmatic. Day9 got a master’s degree and now works at a game studio making an RTS. InControL is still on the EG roll in some capacity, but mostly commentates tournaments. Tasteless and Artosis have become legendary casters as well. Suppy’s floating around out there somewhere, going to school and competing on BaseTradeTV sometimes. And then there are players like IdrA who decided to go back to school and simply withdraw from StarCraft altogether.

More Than A Player: A Person

A large number of professional athletes of all sporting varieties become depressed after retirement. In fact, they say that a pro athlete dies twice, the first being the day they retire from their sport. Additionally, so many professional athletes go broke and even need to declare bankruptcy within just five years of their retirement that there is literally a book just for NBA players about how to manage salary and endorsement money during their career to make it last through the rest of their life. (It’s called “Winning the Money Game” by Adonal Foyle, an NBA veteran that eventually retired due to injury.)

After a lifetime of absolute dedication and maybe even incredible success, what is left? It’s a question that all pros ask themselves again and again as their retirement approaches and leaves them behind. Finances aside, many athletes struggle with identity, self-worth, and even dramatic changes in body chemistry as they look for new means of personal fulfillment and success. Competitive achievement is suddenly no longer their go-to source of serotonin. They have to find a new and more-rounded approach to life and success

So when a successful player feels like they’ve had enough of competitive training and competition, it’s actually in their best interest, financially, emotionally, and psychologically, to move on and pursue new avenues of interest.  And if they choose to remain part of the scene as a coach or commentator, that’s awesome! But we also cannot begrudge those that choose a different path, especially when that path is getting educated and starting a long-term career. You know, like anyone would at that age.

Fans: Continue Supporting Your Hero

When your favorite player gives up professional gaming, be disappointed, remember the good times, but don’t be mad. Nothing lasts forever, and your player needs your support now more than ever as they transition into a new career and a new lifestyle (especially if it’s a rocky transition).

And when they find that new career, be happy for them! There’s no reason their next 50 years can’t be just as incredible as the first 25, even if it’s not by pwning noobs every day.

BlizzCon 2015

I went to BlizzCon this year.

It was awesome. I was able to watch the majority of the StarCraft events as well as some other things. My wife and 1 year old came out to California with me so it could be a bit of a mini-vacation for us all, and it ended up being a really, really good time!

I went to provide coverage for The Weekly All In, naturally. We didn't have press access so I mostly contented myself with getting good photographs for the articles that would eventually be written for our BlizzCon Special issue.

It was awesome to really get behind the camera again. I took a photography class in high school and dabbled with it and photoshop a little here and there for the following few years. This was the first time in years I really made an effort. I was using a borrowed camera (my wife's grandpa's digital Rebel). and really did my best to get in there to get the good shots. I figured this may be my only chance to got to BlizzCon, or do press coverage of an event, or get photographs in a magazine (even a digital one), so I should really go all out. 

While I am definitely an amateur, and my shots reflect that, there were a few that turned out really well. I'm putting some of my favorites here. There is (or will shortly be) a link to the rest in the sidebar.

You watch BlizzCon at home on twitch (or maybe you don't, it could go either way) and it's really fun and exciting. But when you're there, in a room with tens of thousands of nerds and  you're 15 feet from the stage, it's incredible. One of the single coolest experiences of my life. More fun than turning doughnuts in the snow as a teenager. More exciting than the time I possibly caused  increased security on the Haitian-Dominican boarder. 

Mike Morhaime, Founder and President of Blizzard and all-around good guy. This was probably my first photo of the event that was actually in focus. Such a cool guy. Glad I at least got one good shot.

Eric Dodds, lead designer of Hearthstone.Again, I'm just so happy that it looks half decent.

Chris Metzen. VP at Blizzard. All around bad@$$. Possibly a pirate.

The Future of StarCraft panel, with all of those guys that people like to threaten on forums. A pretty well-framed shot, if I say so myself.

Manuel "Grubby" Schenkhuizen. One of my StarCraft heroes that is now a commentator for Heroes of the Storm. Such a nice guy. Really happy with the lighting and the pose on this one.

Lim Yo-hwan, or "BoxeR" as he is often known, is something of a StarCraft legend in the professional scene. He dominated competition for years back in the Brood War days. Very exciting to get to see him in person.

Dan "Artosis" Stemkoski and Nick "Tasteless" Plott. The bromance between these long-time StarCraft nerds runs deep. I wish there had been an opportunity to met them personally, but I'm glad to have gotten a few good shots all the same. 

Chris "HuK" Loranger (center) and Jang "MC" Min Chul. Huk was my very first StarCraft hero, and one of the few that still actively play. The only problem is that he usually looks kind of pissed, for like the last three years. I was really excited to not just see him (and MC!) in person up close, but to get a pic of him looking genuinely happy about something.

The stage for the StarCraft competition was awesome beyond words. Three screens (two for a POV of each player, and one for an observer's perceptive). The stage was mostly just a white, blocky, frame. However, ~40 projectors would simulate an animated stage that changed for each map and each race, complete with victory animations. This is a shot where Life, a Zerg player, won a match, so the stage exploded with a green acid effect. 

Kim "sOs" Yoo Jin kissing the trophy after winning the tournament. Possibly the best photo I have ever taken, or will ever take. This shot is completely unedited.. I'm super proud of it. I also had to kneel on the cement floor in front of the stage for about an hour to be up close for the opportunity to get it. Worth it.

My editor and one of the other writers really drilled the importance of getting good photos of the eventual winner into me. After about 100 shots of sOs right here up close, about two feet away, I realized that I hadn't actually had a fan moment yet. I hadn't given him a high five or get anything signed or anything. So I stopped taking photos (and got the camera out of his face) and got the high five and got my badge signed.  Such an incredible day.

Between games, I would check in with the rest of The Weekly All In guys to say what pics I got and ask if there was anything I should be looking out for. Near the finals, they started to say that they could see me on the stream (!!!). I haven't gone through and watched all of the event just to look for me, but I knew I'd definitely be at this part and one other. Can you see me? 

This one's a little easier.

But this one's my favorite. LOL!

Drama of the Week: Lilbow’s Poor Life Planning

This article is pretty self-explanatory. Lilbow did something super dumb and then everyone made fun of him for it. 

Drama of the Week: Lilbow’s Poor Life Planning - Dumps BlizzCon and GirlfriendBy: Mike Harrell 

The StarCraft community was shocked and appalled this weekend when Lilbow announced via Twitter that he did not prepare for his matches in the WCS Global Finals. He stated that it would be a better use of time to play Legacy of the Void after his victory at WCS Season 3, as he was very unlikely to beat Life in the round of 16 or Innovation in the round of 8 at BlizzCon later this week anyway.  

Even more astonishing, is that after interviewing his family and close friends, it is apparent that this behavior is becoming a habit for Lilbow. 

Last week, the night before Lilbow left France for California to compete in the WCS Global Finals, Lilbow dumped “Emma” (name has been changed), his girlfriend of over three years. The dumping occurred at a lavish family party, where many were expecting Lilbow and Emma to announce their engagement. Lilbow, however, had more ambitious plans. He separated himself from Emma entirely, citing a need to focus on the current object of his affections: Taylor Swift.  

No Tact from Lilbow 

“Judging me badly on a situation that u probably can't understand isn't something nice from you,” posted an indignant Lilbow on his Facebook page. He went on to explain that while Emma and he have enjoyed a very successful and fulfilling relationship over the past three years, that did not justify his continued efforts. If he was going to get anywhere with Taylor Swift, he needed to get started right away.  

Indeed, just hours before the party he tweeted his lack of intent towards Emma, “i know its Emma and its important but well, i didnt wanted to spend months planning for one wedding while i can plan for 5+ years.” However, it appears that his family should not have been surprised, as just before the bombshell tweet, he announced that “it would probably hurt if this party had any sense to me but as i said i saw Emma 2 times the past 3 months.” 

Yet, the lingering concern remains: why would Lilbow leave a satisfying and fulfilling relationship with Emma in favor of a currently-nonexistent relationship with Taylor Swift? Why wouldn’t he seek to enjoy the opportunity he has right now? Emma, by all accounts, is a fun, engaging, and all-around balanced woman who has stolen the hearts of, sources say, over a million people. And why would he announce the separation in such a way? Why not just remain silent? Why would Lilbow choose to publicly disrespect Emma and her family, especially when so many would give anything to be in his place?  

A Feint of Heart 

Unfortunately, Lilbow made yet another public statement regarding the true source of his interest in Emma: her popularity. “I don't wanna be the best match for a girl that nobody is pursuing anymore, it doesn't make any sense to me.” Yes, it appears that Lilbow has had a lifetime pass for the hype train all along. Despite Emma continuing to progress into what some say is a nearly perfect woman in her own right, Lilbow is only interested in ladies that make headlines. 

Many would argue that a marriage to Taylor Swift in the next five years could be a case of Lilbow setting an unrealistic goal. Swift, a 26-year old American singer, trendsetter, and Instagram enthusiast, is 6 years older than Lilbow and has millions of fans and admirers all around the world. It seems very unlikely that she would take particular interest in Lilbow, even if he got a chance. 

Lilbow, however, was adamant of the potential for marital bliss. “I decided to spend all my time on Taylor and I reached top 5 upvotes on global fanpage so far….I know what I want and if I have to look bad a party for it, then it's too bad.”  

An Uncertain Future 

While Lilbow’s effort is obviously genuine and intense, who can trust his level of commitment? What happens when, by succession or choice, Swift fades from the spotlight? Will Lilbow, again, move on to the next woman, despite Swift still having plenty to offer in terms of their relationship? We will probably never know, as the likelihood of Lilbow forming a serious relationship with Swift after his treatment of Emma is far from certain, or even likely. 

Returning to reality, why in the world would Lilbow broadcast that he was making only a minimum effort for the WCS Global Finals, likely the most prestigious event he will ever take part in, because he wanted to be ready for the release of Legacy of the Void? It’s been less than two months since Lilbow’s $30,000 1st place victory in Kraków. It’s extremely unlikely that 6 weeks of laddering on an ever-shifting beta will raise him to heights in Legacy of the Void beyond playing at BlizzCon in Heart of the Swarm.  

Lilbow’s decision and the manner of its announcement displays a shameful lack of respect for his opponents, fans, and sponsors. It shows that the best of foreign players are unwilling to face challenges and are unworthy of serious consideration in top-tier competition. Lilbow chose to forgo competition in the largest event of his life and frame it as though he’s preparing for some future competition of greater consequence.  

Granted, it’s true that his chances of success were low and his means of preparation were very poor. But that doesn’t change the fact he, as a professional gamer, chose to broadcast his lack of intent to play the best he could. Using LotV as a shield does not excuse the action.  

I have bad news for Lilbow and his supporters. If he’s unwilling to honestly compete against the best players in the world when he has the opportunity now, we have no reason to assume that he’ll come through in the future, either.

So yeah... if Lilbow makes it into the top 16 of the WCS Global Finals at any point during Legacy of the Void, I'll eat my firstborn. Such a disappointing cop out.

The Slaughtered Calf Inn Menu

Blizzard announced that there will be a "Slaughtered Calf Inn" at BlizzCon this year, fashioned as a replica of the inn in Diablo III. It looks like it'll mostly be a place for attendees to speak one on one with developers. However, my love of puns and restaurants won over and I felt compelled to make a full Blizzard-themed menu. It was published in The Weekly All In #34.

Drama of the Week: BlizzCon Announcement Leaked: Blizzard Restaurant Menu 

By: Mike Harrell 

Today I bring you Weekly All In EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Blizzard’s leaked plans for the a Blizzard themed restaurant. The pilot location is planned for southern California, with doors opening Soon. No announcements were meant to be made until BlizzCon, but it looks like someone jumped the gun. I can’t say I blame them! All of the food sounds excellent and have great names and descriptions. See full menu below.

Name: The Slaughtered Calf Inn 

Key: (D) Diablo, (W) WarCraft, (SC) StarCraft

Openings 

(SC) Ghost Pepper Poppers: Deep fried jalapenos filled with cream cheese, wrapped in crispy bacon, and served with a ghost pepper dipping sauce. The exterminator’s favorite. 

(SC) Appetite for Destruction: Twelve crispy chicken wings tossed in our spicy buffalo sauce. Sure to bring about a Rain of Fire. 

(SC) MotherChip Core: Crispy tortilla chips prepared in house, topped with cheddar cheese, black beans, shredded chicken, avocado, and sour cream. Served with pico de gallo and a band aid. 

(D) Keep it Rare Ahi Tuna: Perfectly seared Ahi Tuna medallions with soy, ginger, and lime. Served on a yellow plate. 

(D) Demonic Body Parts: Lightly breaded and flash-fried calamari rings. Seasoned with pepper flakes and served with your choice of orange sauces. 

(W) Timeless Isle Gyoza: Time will stop when you bite into these delightful dumplings. Filled with our signature seasoned pork mixture and pan steamed and seared. We are under no obligation to tell you how long ago they were cooked. 

(W) The Starting Zone: Can’t choose just one? That’s okay, this selection comes with a miniature portion of all of our appetizers. Enough to share. Be wary of unsolicited guild invites.


Entrees

(SC) Not So Brutalisk Shortribs: Pork spareribs, smoked all day, finished off over an open flame, and slathered in our house Zergling BBQ sauce. A sure favorite. 

(SC) Lurker Belly Sandwich: Thick slices of pan-fried belly with jalapeno cheese, red tomatoes, greens, and a dash of Zergling BBQ sauce. Served on a crusty roll. Contains real Lurker. 

(SC) Fleet Bacon Burger: FLEET BACON! 

(SC) Eggs Baneling: Poached green eggs over english muffins with lurker belly and a spicy hollandaise sauce. 

(SC) The Fast Expand: You’ll feel your belly expand with our fried chicken over a Belgian waffle, topped with an over-easy egg! 

(D) The Carrion Farm: Let us roll you a new pizza, adorned with every meat you can imagine and grilled in our wood burning pizza oven, lit by actual hellflames. 

(D) Full Set of Greens: An entree-sized wedge salad, topped with bleu cheese, bacon, tomatoes, onion, and the envy of everyone else in your party. 

(D) Zombie dogs: Discarded beef comes back to life in a set of three gourmet hot dogs. Toppings change daily. Consult your server. 

(W) Firecracker Salmon: Seared sockeye salmon served with a firecracker aimed in the general direction of your table. If you can eat for longer than 15 seconds without standing, something good may happen in the next hour.  

(W) The Metzen Plate: Our signature breakfast! Pan-seared reindeer sausage, served with house potatoes, three eggs, cooked to your specification, and toast. (W) Nat Pagle’s Fish Tacos: Grilled Lurker Below with cabbage, onions, cheese, and cilantro ranch, all folded into a corn tortilla. Also comes with a 50% chance of getting an extra taco at the beginning of your meal.

Specialties 

(SC) The Dark Archon: An unholy dish featuring a flame-seared New York Strip in weight equal to your left arm and a macadamia nut crusted halibut fillet equal in size to your right. If you can finish in one sitting, you may gain mind control abilities.

(D) The Slaughtered Calf: Veal as you’ve never seen it before. An entire roasted calf is delivered to your table on a cart, Deckard Cain will pass by your table frequently to slice off portions at your request.

(W) Twin Porterhouses of Azzinoth: A 100% chance drop of two 48-oz Porterhouse steaks, aged for 10,000 years, rubbed with salt, pepper, and parsley, and seared over a 2,500 degree, green flame. After being grilled to perfection, each steak is ser 

ved on a replica Warglaive of Azzinoth, which is yours to keep. Are you prepared? 

(SC) The Sushi Rush: The actualization of renown artist Nicolas Chaussois’ Zerg Sushi design. Enjoy a custom selection of Prawnalisks, Bane Rolls, Tamagoyaki Hosts, Unagidralisks, Sushinfestors, California Lings, Nigiroaches, and Muta Makis. Selection limited to 200 supply.

Sides 

(W) Dr. Boom Biscuit: Our flakey house biscuit, topped with win and accompanied by two cheese “bombs” breaded with blue corn flour and deep fried. Accompanies literally all entrees. Limit one per customer. Exceptions may apply. 

(W) BRD Hot Pockets: Inserted into an absurd sleeve and microwaved according to the manufacturer’s directions. Guaranteed to be scalding hot on the outside and frozen on the inside. So good even Leeroy would wait for it.  

(W) Cheesy Poofs: Just like mother used to buy. Perfect for finishing up dailies. 

(D) Inna’s Green Beans: You thought Inna had one of everything, and you were right. Enjoy these garden fresh green beans, lightly steamed and sauteed with garlic, fresh cracked pepper, and crispy bacon pieces.  

(D) Uliana’s Seven-sided Smashed Potatoes: Sure to apply an explosion to your palate, enjoy our smashed potatoes prepared with cream, butter, bleu cheese, garlic, peppercorns, some more cheese, and, sure, some bacon. Why not? 

(SC) Basket of Deep Fried Larva: Just kidding, they’re french fries. Twice fried and tossed in garlic and rosemary.  

(SC) Basket of Deep Fried Sweet Larva: sweet potato fries, tossed in salt and pepper and served with a Zergling BBQ dipping sauce.

Desserts 

(SC) Stalker Delight: Emerge from the shadows for our sour cream blueberry pie. A la mode for $2.50 extra. It’ll be gone before Blink finishes. 

(D) Jar of Souls: A chocolate trifle fit for the Lords of Heaven and Hell. Enjoy layers of Devil’s Food Cake, chocolate creme fraiche, and Angel’s Food Cake. Topped with an orange slice and mint.  

(W) Vykrul Ice Creams: Secret recipes that were all thought to be destroyed during the Lich King’s reign. Made with pure, organic, wolvar milk.


Drinks 

(SC) Blaze of Glory: The mother of all milkshakes. A gallon of masterfully-crafted shake. Thick enough to require a spoon, creamy enough to make you swoon. Comes in chocolate, because that’s the only good flavor for milkshakes. 

(SC) Semi-Glorious: Half order of the Blaze of Glory. For sissies. 

(D) A Smash Hit: A shot of all 27 house liqueurs and whatever else we can find in our bar.  

(D) A Smash Hit (Cooperative): The same as A Smash Hit, but your friends are allowed to help. 

(D) Diet Kulle Aid: Don’t drink it.  

(W) Conjured Water: It’s water...that you didn’t have to get yourself.

I love this article so, so much. Pretty much none of these jokes make sense unless you've played the corresponding game (or hearthstone). One exception however, is the Fleet Bacon Burger's blurb of "FLEET BACON!" That comes from the long-discontinued podcast "The Creep" by Scott Johnson of Frogpants studios. He just kind of had a thing for yelling "FLEET BEACON!" I can't really recall why that was now, it may have just been that he had a hard time remember it. 

But yeah, I made up just about all of these myself, and I think I'd be willing to eat just about all of them. It's worth noting that the Twin Porterhouses of Azzinoth can be shared by several people, but there are only two warglaives per order, so the group will have to sort that out themselves, which seems appropriate. 

I'm not 100% happy with the variety of foods on the menu, however. It seems like the classes of food vary too greatly. We have chicken wings, fish tacos, biscuits, and top-tier steak all on the same menu. That just doesn't seem right.

Also, I showed this to a coworker and he made a great suggestion for a dessert. It was, "Dark Templar: A scrumptious 3 layer chocolate creme cake served free of charge when an entree is forgotten, delayed or burned in the kitchen as a last ditch effort to win the patrons repeat visit." I think the name needs a little work, but that's such a perfect idea!